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October 26 2016 - Healing Begins

It’s been almost a year and a half and yet it still feels like yesterday. I can remember the cold air burning my lungs on the walk over to the cabin that morning. It was a chill that woke you up long before the coffee ever hit your lips; my kind of weather. As the sun made its way up over the trees, it burned off the last remnants of mist that clung to the water’s surface. I didn’t realize it then but that was an apt analogy for what God had in store for my life on October 26, 2016.

Our Leaders Collective Church Planters Cohort was at The Barn at Valhalla in Chapel Hill, NC for a three day self-awareness retreat. Sunlight streamed through the A-frame windows into the living area of The Lodge. Elliot, the Leaders Collective Director, had just called us together to begin the days work. Tape had been laid out on the floor creating four squares, chairs were scattered about, and a fire was gaining strength in the fire place. We all knew we would be going through an intense one-on-one counseling session at some point. As we waited to begin, I was praying I would be last and Jesus would return before my name was called. Jesus didn’t have much of a chance to return because I was up first.

The six or so steps to the middle of the floor were some of the most hesitant and reluctant steps I’ve ever taken. I looked at Elliot and nervously shifted from one foot to the other. I had spent the previous two weeks preparing for this moment. I wanted to remain in control and bury my emotions for the duration of the session. I wanted to leave intact and unknown. This is how I had navigated life thus far and had no intentions of changing for these men I barely knew.

Elliot began by leading me through some rather benign questions. I answered honestly while trying to figure out what question was coming next. If I could guess with him, then I could make sure to answer tougher questions without saying anything revealing. Elliot, thank goodness, wasn’t fooled by my game. He could see that my projected confidence was nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

I’m not sure when it happened but I found myself talking more than I intended. I was opening up, too much was being revealed. I frantically wracked my mind to find a way out. I had gone from trying to remain in control to realizing I was fully exposed. I had unknowingly passed the point of no return and I was terrified.

Each question, each move from one square to another was a step closer to healing. But as is often the case with healing, it had to get worse before it could get better. I stood in the middle of the floor clutching a pillow to my chest, I was at the breaking point. Elliot asked me to answer two questions (“What do you want to say to Jesus about your heart?” “What does Jesus want to say to your heart?”) and they broke me. Elliot gave me the option to answer if I felt up to it.

I stood for long time, eyes fixed to a random point on the floor. I didn’t want to answer. I wanted to lie if I did answer. I wanted to take the out that was right there in front of me. I was exhausted but I knew for myself, my wife and my daughter I had to answer and answer honestly. As the words poured out and the tears streaked my face, I felt freedom. In that moment, the need for healing outweighed all other fears. Wounds that had been buried and ignored for so long that I no longer thought they deserved attention were exposed to the light of Jesus’ grace. I wept for my sins, I wept for my family, I wept for the church I was trying to lead, and I wept for myself and all the times I had refused healing because I didn’t think I was worth it in the eyes of Jesus.

The great fear that had fueled my desire to remain in control and not be know was this: If these men knew me, really knew me they would reject me full stop. As I lifted my eyes and looked around the room, I realized this fear was a lie meant to keep me enslaved. Elliot Grudem, Ted Sinn, Dwayne Bond, Paul Gordon, Billy Rose, Corey Sanders, Braden Greer, Winston Miller, and Devinion Valentine all affirmed in that moment that I was worth befriending and I was worth following as a pastor. Life, and grace, was given and I was grateful.

Over the coming months I’m going to share specifics about those wounds that were exposed to the grace and truth of Jesus that day. My prayer for you is that you would find strength and courage, perhaps through my story, to begin telling your own story and trusting Jesus with the wounds you carry that cause you the deepest shame and fear. He is more faithful, loving, gracious, and forgiving than you can begin to imagine.

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