At the end of our Leaders Collective Church Planters Cohort in May 2017, we had to give a fifteen minute pitch about the church we were planting. Think Shark Tank, but with gracious pastors who want to see you succeed at what God has called you to. There was a general sense of excitement among the group as we drew numbers to determine the order we would present. My own excitement was drowned out by fear and trepidation that this would be the moment I was exposed and told that church planting wasn’t for me.
When it was my turn, I walked to the front of the small room, put both hands on the side of the music stand to steady myself, adjusted my papers to feel more prepared, and after a deep settling breath started to talk. For fifteen minutes, I tried to cast a compelling vision for why I planted Restoration Church in Wilmington, NC. In what felt like mere seconds ,the allotted time had expired. My mouth was dry and like a convicted criminal led to the front of the firing line, I waited for what I felt was the inevitable dream crushing feedback. Gratefully, my own fearful expectations went unmet as men I admired began to offer constructive, healthy feedback meant to encourage me to keep pursuing God’s calling on my life. As my time in front of the group drew to a close, Tyler Jones, lead pastor of Vintage Church, spoke up and said, “I sense that you have a lot of self-hatred.” He was right. I did hate myself.
As my brain processed what I had heard, my heart began to hammer away at my ribs with such force that I thought it may end up outside of my body. How did Tyler Jones know this when I had been blind to it forever? Who else had seen it but not said anything?
Truth be told, I arrived at that point because I lived with a truncated view of the gospel. I knew the gospel meant that I had been forgiven of my sins but it left me no hope as it regarded the albatross of shame that swung from my neck, threatening to pull me under at a moments notice. I felt as if carrying my shame was penance that must be served in order to finally and fully earn the love of God who I was sure was just as disappointed in me as I was in myself. I held onto shame and self-hatred as a way to justify that I was deserving of all of the times I’d been sinned against and wounded deeply. The combination of these three lies, amplified and on repeat in my life, drowned out the sweet melodies of grace that I knew to be true in the gospel. The words of Zephaniah, “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing” seemed but a faint echo, a distant promise meant for everyone else but me. I had tilled the soil of my soul with the sharp edges of these lies. I had planted seeds of shame deep within and up grew thick vines of self-hatred that threatened to choke the life out of me.
What was the remedy for the mess I found myself in? What could sever the root of self-hatred? The answer was to read from Scripture what God said about my shame and ask the Spirit to plant these seeds in the scarred furrows of my heart so that gospel truth would root out and replace the lies. Here are some verses I’ve clung to over the past 18 months:
Psalm 22:5 - “To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.”
Psalm 34:5 - “Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.”
Psalm 40:16-17 - “But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The Lord is great!” But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.”
Psalm 103:8-14 - “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”
Isaiah 1:18 - “Come now, let us reason[a] together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”
Micah 7:19 - “He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.”
Romans 8:1-2 - “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”
Hebrews 8:12 - “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”
1 John 1:9 - “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Perhaps this Christmas you need to exchange the lies of an abridged gospel that leads to self-hatred for the full gospel that leads to life and flourishing in Christ. This Christmas as you ponder Christ’s birth, his life, his death, and his resurrection, remember he not only removes our sins, he is also the remedy for our shame.
Come, Thou long-expected Jesus,
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel’s Strength and Consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.
Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.
- “Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus” by Charles Wesley
Comments
Post a Comment