Skip to main content

The Loss of Baby B - Mourning But Not Without Hope

During the early afternoon of March 4th we sat in the darkened room as the screen in front of us came to life. As the sonographer began to work the wand over my wife’s abdomen, we saw the unmistakable outline of our child. Everything with her, from measurements to heartbeat, was as it should be at roughly 9 1/2 weeks old. With an exhale, we both relaxed our shoulders and breathed deeply as the greatest fear of any ultrasound is the loss of a child.

The sonographer continued her work and as she continued to measure and take pictures it became clear to my wife and I that there on the screen was the unmistakable outline of a second child. The twins we had joked about and secretly longed for were going to be a reality. What would we do with four kids under 6 years old? How long could we stay in our current house? How much would a bigger van cost? All of those questions flooded through my mind. Then the measurements for Baby B were recorded with clinical precision on the screen, 6 weeks and 3 days. In that instant, what moments before had been a sigh of relief, became a suppressed sob in both of us as we locked eyes and without a word acknowledged the loss of our twin baby. Here we were in the valley of the shadow of death. And we feared. And God felt distant. And nothing was right.

There was no way to prepare either of us for how quickly the grief rooted out all of our joy and left us gutted with the unmistakable pain of loss. After the sonogram was completed, the harsh fluorescent lights of the exam room flickered on and we had never felt more exposed and more unsteady. The next few hours were a blur of tears and anguish. What had been a hidden reality of life and loss in Kristen’s body was now seared into the deepest parts of our heart and spirit. We were left unsure of whether to embrace the good news of a healthy baby or the anguish of losing Baby B. What would Baby B have been? Would their profile in later ultrasounds have revealed the same button nose of their older sisters? Would Baby B have been the boy we so desperately longed for? What would life be like with twins? All of these questions we asked then, and we still ask now. And we will still be asking them into the future.

Psalm 139:13 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.” We believe this with every fiber of our being, that God begins the knitting process at the moment of conception. But what do you do when the knitting stops early? That was the question Kristen and I were left to wrestle with after the initial ultrasound. Would we allow the pain and grief to drive a wedge between us and God? Would bitterness take root in our hearts and burst through, splitting the foundation of our marriage and thus driving us away from each other? Placing our hearts into the tender, nail-pierced hands of Jesus we found healing, and by his grace we were drawn closer to both our Redeemer and each other.

On Monday morning, May 18th, Kristen went back for a gender ultrasound of Baby A. Needless to say we were trying to balance the hopeful expectation of a healthy baby with the realization that nothing was certain. Everything on the ultrasound was, according to the doctor, “Perfect!” We were relieved and once again we were able to exhale and allow ourselves to relax. As we shared the news with family, friends, and via social media we started to receive congratulatory texts and messages. But it was this text from a dear friend that became the balm to our still aching hearts, “And SO thankful that you are both healthy. And praising God that her twin is up running around the feet of Jesus where we long to be!” Oh how we cannot wait to have our family whole again. So for now, we will dance along the tightrope between grief and joy, longing and fulfillment, sadness and delight, until we finally join with Baby B running around the feet of Jesus!

The intrusion of pain, sickness, and death, especially the death of a child, reminds us that this world is broken. Nothing is as it should be, but through Jesus, everything is being restored to what it was meant to be. That’s not preacher talk meant to minimize the pain and emotional devastation of losing a child. However, it is a promise of hope that we have anchored our souls to when the emotional currents of our hearts have proven overwhelming. So for those who have walked this road ahead of us, we love you and we are here for you. For those who are struggling with the inability to conceive, we love you and we are here for you. For those who have had to say goodbye to their own children at any point, we love you and we are here for you. We join with you in longing for the day when our tears will be redeemed by the tender hands of Jesus according to Revelation 21:4-5, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” The trustworthiness and truth of these words have carried us and will continue to carry us, may they do the same for you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

From Consuming to Cultivating

We live in a society that, for the most part, is morally and spiritually bankrupt. Our culture is a culture of consumerism. How sustainable is that? - Benjamin Bratt I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, personally. However, in the past few years I have allowed the end of the year to stir thoughts in me about long-term changes I can make that would better my own life, my family's life, and the lives of those that are in my life. As 2022 gave way to 2023 I began to consider what it would look like to begin to orient my life and our family's life around being cultivators rather than consumers. What does moving along the continuum from consumer to cultivator look like? I'm not entirely sure. But I do know that working toward being freed from the incessant cravings of consumerism is not something we will regret in the end. One thing that I became increasingly aware of in the latter half of 2022 was how consumerism was driving me to view everything as existing solely ...
Post a Comment
Read more

To Beat The Devil

  The gunmetal gray clouds hung low over Broadway, as if the Devil himself had come to take stock of what was happening on Music Row. It was Wednesday and in the heart of the Bible Belt, it was the perfect night for a midweek revival service in the Neon Steeple at Chiefs. Smoke, from the burnt offering on the altar of Rodney Scott’s BBQ, filled the early afternoon air. While the threat of rain and the quickly dropping temps would’ve served as a deterrent to venture out on most nights, this wasn’t most nights. This was one of a select few nights where, weather be damned, the faithful were going to gather. The stained-glass, lit from the inside, cast a soft welcoming glow on the wet pavement as it marked the destination of the pilgrims headed down Broadway. Each window served as silent and vibrant reminder of the saints and sinners who’d come before and were in some way responsible for what was about to take place. Legends of country music from bygone eras and sports legends with the...
Post a Comment
Read more

What About Shame?

At the end of our Leaders Collective Church Planters Cohort in May 2017, we had to give a fifteen minute pitch about the church we were planting. Think Shark Tank, but with gracious pastors who want to see you succeed at what God has called you to. There was a general sense of excitement among the group as we drew numbers to determine the order we would present. My own excitement was drowned out by fear and trepidation that this would be the moment I was exposed and told that church planting wasn’t for me. When it was my turn, I walked to the front of the small room, put both hands on the side of the music stand to steady myself, adjusted my papers to feel more prepared, and after a deep settling breath started to talk. For fifteen minutes, I tried to cast a compelling vision for why I planted Restoration Church in Wilmington, NC. In what felt like mere seconds ,the allotted time had expired. My mouth was dry and like a convicted criminal led to the front of the firing line, I...
Post a Comment
Read more