During the early afternoon of March 4th we sat in the darkened room as the screen in front of us came to life. As the sonographer began to work the wand over my wife’s abdomen, we saw the unmistakable outline of our child. Everything with her, from measurements to heartbeat, was as it should be at roughly 9 1/2 weeks old. With an exhale, we both relaxed our shoulders and breathed deeply as the greatest fear of any ultrasound is the loss of a child.
The sonographer continued her work and as she continued to measure and take pictures it became clear to my wife and I that there on the screen was the unmistakable outline of a second child. The twins we had joked about and secretly longed for were going to be a reality. What would we do with four kids under 6 years old? How long could we stay in our current house? How much would a bigger van cost? All of those questions flooded through my mind. Then the measurements for Baby B were recorded with clinical precision on the screen, 6 weeks and 3 days. In that instant, what moments before had been a sigh of relief, became a suppressed sob in both of us as we locked eyes and without a word acknowledged the loss of our twin baby. Here we were in the valley of the shadow of death. And we feared. And God felt distant. And nothing was right.
There was no way to prepare either of us for how quickly the grief rooted out all of our joy and left us gutted with the unmistakable pain of loss. After the sonogram was completed, the harsh fluorescent lights of the exam room flickered on and we had never felt more exposed and more unsteady. The next few hours were a blur of tears and anguish. What had been a hidden reality of life and loss in Kristen’s body was now seared into the deepest parts of our heart and spirit. We were left unsure of whether to embrace the good news of a healthy baby or the anguish of losing Baby B. What would Baby B have been? Would their profile in later ultrasounds have revealed the same button nose of their older sisters? Would Baby B have been the boy we so desperately longed for? What would life be like with twins? All of these questions we asked then, and we still ask now. And we will still be asking them into the future.
Psalm 139:13 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.” We believe this with every fiber of our being, that God begins the knitting process at the moment of conception. But what do you do when the knitting stops early? That was the question Kristen and I were left to wrestle with after the initial ultrasound. Would we allow the pain and grief to drive a wedge between us and God? Would bitterness take root in our hearts and burst through, splitting the foundation of our marriage and thus driving us away from each other? Placing our hearts into the tender, nail-pierced hands of Jesus we found healing, and by his grace we were drawn closer to both our Redeemer and each other.
On Monday morning, May 18th, Kristen went back for a gender ultrasound of Baby A. Needless to say we were trying to balance the hopeful expectation of a healthy baby with the realization that nothing was certain. Everything on the ultrasound was, according to the doctor, “Perfect!” We were relieved and once again we were able to exhale and allow ourselves to relax. As we shared the news with family, friends, and via social media we started to receive congratulatory texts and messages. But it was this text from a dear friend that became the balm to our still aching hearts, “And SO thankful that you are both healthy. And praising God that her twin is up running around the feet of Jesus where we long to be!” Oh how we cannot wait to have our family whole again. So for now, we will dance along the tightrope between grief and joy, longing and fulfillment, sadness and delight, until we finally join with Baby B running around the feet of Jesus!
The intrusion of pain, sickness, and death, especially the death of a child, reminds us that this world is broken. Nothing is as it should be, but through Jesus, everything is being restored to what it was meant to be. That’s not preacher talk meant to minimize the pain and emotional devastation of losing a child. However, it is a promise of hope that we have anchored our souls to when the emotional currents of our hearts have proven overwhelming. So for those who have walked this road ahead of us, we love you and we are here for you. For those who are struggling with the inability to conceive, we love you and we are here for you. For those who have had to say goodbye to their own children at any point, we love you and we are here for you. We join with you in longing for the day when our tears will be redeemed by the tender hands of Jesus according to Revelation 21:4-5, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” The trustworthiness and truth of these words have carried us and will continue to carry us, may they do the same for you.
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